Pookies Troubles:

Watching your child die.
Posted Sep-21-07 20:48:14 PDT Updated Sep-24-07 19:28:50 PDT
Five years back; my daughter (step) called me at work; screaming and incoherent. She could not make a complete sentence and was sobbing. She was frightened and in pain. The sounds of her fright brought me to my knees and proverbial senses. My then supervisor did not believe me and my request to return home. I left him there in the office and asked him to call 911.
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Upon returning to my home: my daughter was on the floor convulsing. My then 4 year old son was sitting on a stool just two feet away. She was throwing up hot chocolate while I was calling the ambulance. I kept watch on her while talking to the dispatcher (my son was twitching from not understanding) and my daughter was still vomiting. I checked her airway and cleaned the mess holding her head from the twitching.
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During the time it took to call EMS. I managed to change out of my uniform, call my husband, contact neighbors, comfort my son and keep her airway clear. Don't ask me how but I did it. I just did what I needed to do.
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EMS arrived and found me holding her. They were strapping her in when another seizure struck. It was awful! Her entire body convulsed and tighted in ways I did not know were possible. I then placed my son in my neighbors care; he was ashened when I told him Daddy would soon arrived. I just looked around my home and knew my life was forever changed.
Now when you are in an ambulance certain things you notice. The smallness of the vehicle, spareness yet it feels safe. In the sterile environment; I offered a prayer up; please let her live. It was her 13th birthday and we were going to have T-bone steaks, baked potatoes and chocolate ice cream for dinner.
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I saw her face and knew that was never to be. As the ambulance pulled away I saw my husband's car coming and pass us. Then techs were starting another IV. In my mind I knew that I had to be there for her. So, I rode silently then holding her hand just calling her name over and over.
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So, we pull up to the hospital/clinic. I watched them unload her. While they secured their equipment; I took a breath. In Portugal, life is not as it is here in the States but very similiar. I noticed in the distant gray sky there was a rainbow. Clinking and clanging noises; her hand still in mine I saw a dragonfly lifting up. Then we raced into the building.

Where they cut her clothes off of her. I tried to keep her covered as techs rushed about because I knew she was there. I would not let go of her hand or stop saying her name. She was silent and still. Nothing absolutely nothing. Inside; she went into the xray room and I stayed. I would not leave her.
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After xrays, I am in the room alone with her. I am stroking her hand talking about how she wanted her steak. Then the door opens; and my husbands leads my son in with him. He is livid and wants to know what is happening.

Mother instinct kicks in: "why did you bring him?" My littlest man did not need to see this. I asked my husband to take my son back to the neighbors. Besides my daugher was naked and vulnerable. She would never allow her brother to see her this way. I convinced him to take him out. And waited for the results of the xray and MRI.

She needs to be transferred to downtown. I asked my husband to make arrangements for my 4 year old to stay at the neighbors for the night. She is breathing on her own and the medication has caused the seizures to stop. He leaves after I hug them both. Then I wait while holding her hand and talking to her about NOTHING but still talking.
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Mind you in the military community your supervisor should by now been there. It has been an hour. But, I digress as I watch them prep her from transport. She has tubes everywhere; I am numb but alive. What did just happen? Why? I ask myself.............
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There is no reason to life and I watch them roll her out to the transport. Where is my supervisor?
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I held her hand
Posted Sep-21-07 21:58:47 PDT Updated Sep-24-07 20:01:01 PDT
I never knew 20 minutes took so long. The techs where wonderful. One had even brought me a soda. I held her hand and we talked to her the whole way. My beautiful daughter was not here and I felt it to my very core. But, I knew I was not alone.
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I climbed down from the ambulance and walked into the foreign hospital after the gurney. The Portuguese do no believe in allowing family members to follow them. But, I insisted and went anyway. I held her hand and talked to her.
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Then they ushered me out to do a cath. They literally pushed me out of the room and I was in complete agony during the ten minutes they took. (Then in my head I said enough is enough.) I WILL NOT LEAVE HER ALONE AGAIN!
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Through the next tests; I would not let them usher me out. I let the staff know that even though I did not speak their language I was a force. I was there; I sat with her in a hospital room that smelled awful to me. While I waited for the results I prayed. This was a child not of my body but, I knew her.
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We laughed and joked over her dad's uncomfortability of her becoming a woman. This was a child that had been in my care for over 8 years and she was mine.
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Dad shows up with my supervisor. We are awaiting the results of the MRI. I look at my guilty supervisor who is trying to garner my respect with a fake facade. "I knew he was guilty of being complacent and he knew I knew." His inaction could have cost my child's life.
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On her chest to feel her heartbeat. Then after feeling the strength; I knew she was fighting. I aslo made up my mind not to get into a verbal arguement with the supervisor that I wanted to wiped the floor with. So, I listened to all the chatter. I knew in my mother's heart my daughter would never be the same..
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I looked my husband and felt his hopelessness. But, knew our daughter would live: not the same but breathing. She had a bleed in to her head kind of like a stroke but different she was only 13 and young. I asked him about our 4 year old to find he was with our neighbors.
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I really looked at the hospital. I mean really looked and was appalled. I was back in the turn of the century settings. How did this people live with this?
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This was when I knew...................................They had to!
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Into the waiting room to again see my supervisor. To whom I wanted to throttle with all of my strength but did not. I would need him later. I was still subordinate to him and dependent of his words and deeds.
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I grabbed my husbands hands and said, "Have faith. She is not gone." Then we waited and made small talk. I then asked those who came to be with us if we could borrow their Euros. Don't ask me why but, I knew we would need them. "Please we will give it all back just trust me."
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So pockets were emptied. Then the doctor walked in and told us that she need to be transported. A helicopter was on its way from San Miguel, Portugal. She needed care from care from "brain" experts. And the room went silent.
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Mind you---we had translators with us. The Air Base provided.
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I knew; she was close to death.
Posted Sep-23-07 20:53:34 PDT Updated Sep-24-07 20:22:29 PDT
So I then asked the doctors if the altitude would cause a further bleed. Then said no because of the helicopter's low flight plan. I then asked which parent should go. Millions of thoughts went through my head.
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Then I remembered I was the military member. I had things to tie up because I might never return to my base.
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Okay---my husband should complete this leg of this journey. I had a few things for the Air Force to tie up before I could be free.
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---I then made him promise DO NOT LEAVE HER! Talk to her, rub her hand move her body just let her know we were there. Just never let her be alone at anytime.
And he did. This was the right thing for me to do but it ripped me to shreds inside.
I WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER, remember?
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I calmed myself; I was do the right thing for her (NOW).
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Only a few hours had passed. I watched my husband get into his safety gear. My thoughts turned to my son. I knew he was afraid. I saw them load them both. The word was she had slipped into a coma which for this was a good thing. I turn my head up to watch them lift off.
My dearest friend Dawn's husband was there to drive me back to the base. At first he was silent and then he said, "You know she will never be the same if she survives."
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I longed to hear another say what I was feeling. And I turned to him and said; "Thanks, I know what you are saying. I know she will be back. I also know she will never be the same. I also know that you and Dawn will help me through this."
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And we rode the 27 minutes into silence while He allowed me to use his cell phone to call family. It was silent because of the time difference.
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I had to get in touch with her bio mom and brothers:
I get ahold of one my husband's extensive family. I tell them what I know & get in touch with Bio-Mom. My daugher is dying but she is yelling at me. I then tell her how to get international calls allowed on her phone service. Answer her questions and feel a new enemy with me. Apathy.
In my compartmentalized head. I am finishing up a thousand details. I need to go to my office and give passwords to my friend. (remember we are at war; paper work needs to be signed.) I needed to sign Powers of Attorney all within minutes, Pack with our paperwork and Pick up our son; who is so scared by now he is losing his mind.
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I have only 1 hour.
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