After reading the responses to my last blog; I began thinking.
Am I person who practices humility or humiliation when dealing with folks as I lose my patience? Not according to one definition of humility: politely submissive. My bravado to the public can not be described in this fashion but rather a chink in my armor.
Most from reading my last input would think I am a horrible tempered person however, I usually 'let stuff go' until it festers into a simmering volcano over lack of forward movement. Meaning, in 14 years of marriage when we argue it is because I have had enough, and basically vomit my displeasure into the open because I have been patient far too long. I just let things ride; awaiting the decision making process until, I cannot sit still or keep my ravenous maw closed.
Many years learning about myself and why I do things the way I do; I am left in shambles sometimes because I still feel like the child who's most admired person did not want me. I know I look like my father, their relationship was tumultuous and violent. The person I craved attention from the most used humiliation, neglect, violence, or scathing silence as a form of discipline. So now many years later I find myself wondering what kind of damage I am doing to my own children. I don't do the 'humiliation' tactic to bring them into my ideal of how a child should behave. However, I have yelled at them and this to me is humiliating and afterwards I apologize for my flaws, mistakes and methods.
So what does this have to do with thinking on one's feet, fore-seeing possible outcomes, or inner voice / role playing? Because this tool became another way I learned to compartmentalize so, I could survive in hostile environments without losing face and my soul.
Thank you all for commenting; you have taught me and given me more reasons to think, explore and learn.
Welcome to my blog: PJ, MOJO, and Jabacue. I will be visiting your places of solitude later.