Just Another Day

     This morning, my friend Mrs. Lily came over to take me into town for blood work.  (Remember I no longer have a car.)  We caught up on all the latests family news between us. 

Let me tell ya'll something.

     Have you taken a look around?  Spring is breathing life into us here.  While I did not stop to take pictures of the fields of wildflowers especially now with blue bonnets blooming in mass. The entire countryside here is now green with grass up to a foot high.
 

Meet Yolandra; she took the required vials of blood. 

Next Tuesday, I will find out if I am living or not.

     I am loving this new med for bipolar it is called Symbyax.  This has been the first time in my adult life that a medication has not made my brain feel like it was floating away from my body, made me jumpy, caused suicidal thoughts, or so hyper (just what a person with rapid cycling needs) I was climbing the walls.  I know it is supposed to take 2 weeks for one of these types of meds to build up and help the patient but, I noticed a difference after four days.  Especially now, I can sleep regular hours and feel like cleaning house.  

     Some folks with bipolar can not function well because of lack of sleep. No joke, I could go 4 days or more some times back in my 20s with sleep (I was single then). Those times were not bad if; I was doing something like crocheting a baby blanket which I would finish in a night or say read a book or two.  One of the best things I have learned and I will contribute it to my mom's form of discipline was/is how to compartmentalize emotions, thoughts, anger, anxiety, or energy -- and just do tasks.  This was how I functioned at work.

     I could be doing my work but, inside my head, I would literally being doing or thinking a dozen things not even aware my fingers were moving.  Bi-polar helped me acutally 'copy' Morse code, listen to music, read and talk to peers all at the same time.  I credit my bipolar with my uncanny recall because I remember most things or conversations and have a rigid sense of right and wrong.  What helped me most besides medication was working out, going dancing in clubs, and then later having children.  These things would draw me out of my head focus on my own selfish ideas, dreams, and inner conversations.

     If a person with bipolar can get out of their head and silence all the din and inner turmoil; he or she will find they can function. Any ways, that is just my opinion from personal experience.  I do not have a medical degree.

     I did want to pass on a website I have come to love because the writer is seriously fuuny about politics.
http://thepoliticalparent.com/

And thanks Mrs. Lily!  I enjoyed our visit and the ride into town.  I am off to hop around some blogs now.

Take care all who pass here.
Mal

Have Ya'll Noticed Spring Has Shown Up Early?

      Back in early Feb, we noticed our mesquite trees already budding along with some other of our fruit trees that made it through last year's drought.  I find it worrying how the seasons seem to be all messed up with climate change.  My heart goes out to all those who were harmed by such early tornados and then snow right after.  This leaves me wondering if this summer the United States will be plagued with hurricanes.  La Nina has been doing some really crazy things with our weather pattern.

What do ya'll think?

      I want to thank those of you who have inquired as to why my posts have been greatly reduced.  Seems, I have been in a bi-polar funk after my knee injury back in November.  I did not go see a doctor simply because after 20 years of being poked and prodded by doctors who were adept at treating symptoms.  I just did not want to waste my time listening to lectures or theories. I was just happy to be alive and able to stay with my boys. 

     Two weeks ago, I had to go to the emergency room because I was having muscle spasms so hard; I could not move or turn my head. Let me tell you, when spasms hurt worse than contractions, you have issues.  There the doctors found my blood pressure (BP) to be far too high at 240/120.  Even though I was in pain after a shot and flexeril, there was little reduction in my resting BP.  Basically, I could have 'stroked' out at any time.  The kind doctors there gave me meds, told me to rest, and make an appointment with my regular; which I did.

     This week's visit with Dr. Beasely was wonderful.  She actually listened to my concerns and complaints; asked tons of questions.  She told me I had a middle ear infection plus my BP was still too high at 180/110. The next thing she did was doubled my dose of BP meds, ordered a ten day dose of azithromycin, and put me a Symbyax which is a med for bi-polar disorder.  Let me tell you; this med has made a HUGE difference in my ability to function as a human being.  Just after four days on medications I am back to zooming around taking care of my menfolk and not over or under sleeping.

     This leaves me to wonder about all the other 'care-givers' out in the world.  How often do we put others first so much in our lives; we in effect forget to nuture ourselves? Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen.  Heart diease is the number one killer of people in the US.  Ya'll get your cholesterol and bp checked.  High blood pressure is a silent killer and gives little to no warning. 

For you homeschooling parents,

     Have you tried Reading Eggs grades K-3 or ages 4 through 7?  It has been such a sucess, the company is going to expand to other grade/age levels with ABC Reading Express. Also the site allows a trial offer of two weeks to try it free with no use of a credit card. Zephyr adores the online reading program.  He doesn't even realise he is working.  Homeschoolbuyerscoop is having a 25% off special for an annual subscription.  I will be writing more later about our choices this year in curriculum.

     So now,  will leave ya'll with a picture of Roux, going on 4 months at a hefty 5.8 lbs.  She is such a funny puppy, follows me everywhere, chases her own tail, loves to chew dirty socks (dog chewing gum?), and still falls asleep in the strangest of places.  As you can see, she is sleeping on my crossed legs, head down and body up. 

Take Care,
Mal

The Craze and Daze of Mania

A few weeks back, I ran across a book I ordered.  'Madness: A Biploar Life,' by Marya Hornbacher.  While I am still in the middle of reading her account of dealing with bipolar; I can only do so in swatches because some of her story is mine. 

To me, her being diagnosed with an eating disorder along with depression was a coping mechanism she built to survive.  It was a form of isolation to make sense of her world.  Add in her illicit drug use, sexual misconduct, and self-medicating with alcohol; I really do see myself in some of her rants.

What doesn't surpise me is the use of prescription drugs to control some of the mood swings.  However, doctors can only guess when making decisions about outpatient care options. Every individual is different; the lack of follow-up care in her case is as striking as in my own experience. 

Can you imagine not being able to seek care because of military restrictions dealing with forms of mental illnesses?  I know from mine own view -- sometimes

I CAN NOT GET OUT OF MY HEAD. 

Giving me a drug to 'slow me down' in fact only heightens the being stuck and culls the frantic creativity that fuels my soul. While on drugs, no matter how hard I try; thoughts just race like a wheel in a rut and can make no rhyme or reason.  I guess for myself since, I have an uncanny recall.  My memory is a detrimental when dealing with the affects of any abuse or preceived abuse.

So... while I did practice some of Marya's coping skills which lead to her multiple hospitalizations.  I on the other hand, had to learn how to deal with my crazes or I could have wound up in military prison.  Talk about fear being a motivator; military prison in some ways was worse --- amped up--- in the form of control more than my own familial upbringing.

The question must be asked: How did I make it through 20 years of military service without being hospitalized or jailed? Did I do some really stupid shyte? Was there exhibited behaviors that could have ended a military career and or taken a life?

Oh yes, I did.  But one magic word got me through:

Compartmentalization

More to come later..........
----------------------------------------------------

On days like these

With tears welling in my eyes

I move about on tentative feet

Trying not to step on anyone

On days like these

Anxiety runs rampart on my body

So tense I can bite through nails

I hear Walt’s barbaric yawp

On days like these

Not yelling or screaming is so hard

I try not to rage against the machine of my mind

Because it scars and scares my boys

On days like these

My chest is so tight and heart races

I can hear my own heartbeat

Sitting back trying to breathe and focus

On days like these

No pin point of light to guide me through

Just tension I can chew

I tremble, falter, and pace

On days like these

With no tobacco to chain smoke

No wine to ease my ravaged mind into sleep

I just want these days to …… release

Phew, What a Week

I am so glad hubby's stint on second shift is over! Yeah, we are returning to normalcy.  The last two months have been kinda tough because of the shift change.  The boys wanting to suck up as much time with their dad (can't say that I blame them) would wait up until he got home near midnight. We would fall asleep around 1 a.m.; this was not conducive to regular school hours, farm chores, and our small garden.

Yeppers! we still have tomatos, peppers, cabbage and broccoli  thriving ---- can you believe it even after two freezes?

Thank goodness we homeschool and I can tailor their lessons around schedule changes.  However, we did not progress as far as needed.  So, this day shift will get us back on track and hubby will be off the last two weeks of the year.  CAN YOU SAY GUEST INSTRUCTOR????  Hee hee, he just doesn't know it yet.

Another issue, Lisa has it in her head she is moving to California.  No plans as to how she is going to get there or live there --- just a wish to stay with some phantom people she apparently knows from who knows where.  But what can you do?  She is nearly 20 years of age and if she buys an airline, bus, or train ticket -- we can not stop her.   I wish her well but, will not make her transit out of our safe environment easy on her. (i.e. We are not providing the pathway out.)  She will have to make her own way there and if need be; back. 

Seems our daughter is under the impression that LIFE is easier in Southern California and a change of location will make her LIFE better and she will be happier.  Sadly, I have tried to explain to her; the only happiness you can find is within yourself.  If you are not happy here, and if you are not happy with your mom in San Antonio; 'You WILL NOT be happy in California for any length of time --- because you are only changing locations.'   Why is it, adult children do not learn nowadays from the paths their parents have already walked?  Godsped my daughter, just know the nest is still here if you fall out of the tree.

The last two days, I spent time riding the couch with a vicious cold.  One thing hubby does bring home quite often is viruses from work.  It hit Saenz and Zephyr but, nearly wiped me out.  Luckily, I recovered enough to be back up and running today with a vengeance.  I have a pile of laundry that would pack the epic TROJAN HORSE and allow the Greeks (chores) to over take Troy (our humble home).  LOL can you tell I have been reading again?

One thing I plan to do later is take the buttermilk pie recipe below and see if I can modify it to include chocolate.  If it does turn out well I will post a picture and description ---- my muddled mind while waylaid had me thinking of baking and building new recipes.  If chocolate doesn't work I will try coconut which is always great in custard pies.  We have lots of eggs again since, I have barely been cooking for the family this week.  Baking is a great way of using up eggs.

For those who commented on my post dealing with bi-polar. 

Thank you,

I will be adding to that post and if you see the labels (at the bottom of each post) and then click on 'bi-polar' then the other posts associated with the topic chosen will pop up on the same page.  It is important I resolve my issues and understand my own disorder so, if our son has to walk in my path.  I can at least reason with him by reviewing how I coped with the stressors as a teen.  Thing is.....boys and girls do not act the same way when dealing with puberty so, I have another sticky wicket to deal with as he progresses.

Hope Ya'll are enjoying your slices of heaven as you prepare for the approaching holidays.
Peace and Joy,
Mal

My Truths: Bipolar Mania

This may ramble and drift a bit but here goes:

Looking back and talking with family members; my onset with bipolar was in childhood.  I had uncontrollable rages as a small child and sudden outbursts of crying jags.  I would hit and throw things - my mother not knowing how to deal with me; tied and gagged me to a pole out in the backyard.  This was a story told often at family gatherings and very humiliating.  I was very young around 3 to 4 years old.

Later, my parents divorced and custody was given to my mom with visitation with my father.  This alone is traumatic to a child and then the regular beatings took place. Yes, it was beatings not just spankings.  Eventually, I was brought under the control through fear of getting hit or worse. 

Who wants to be hit or debased for crying................ At the age of five, I learned how to lie to avoid being hit by lying very well.  I also learned early; men were not to be trusted as my mother married again soon after her divorce was finalized.

Funny this is; we were told as children.  'ALWAYS tell the truth, I may get mad but --- not as mad if you lie to me.'  No matter what though, we were hit for small thing like: unclean rooms, grades, notes home from teachers, toys left out, lost items, dirty dishes, dust, laundry being left on the floor and all the other house keeping chores we were given.   (Talk about a mix messages, why tell the truth if you are still going to be humiliated or hit?) 

I used to think, I was the problem.  I was the cause of my mother's anger issues. That if I was only good enough; she would not be bothered by me quite so much and could possibly be happy.  Little did I know then but, I suspect she is bipolar as well.  It explains a lot --- just I don't excuse it.

Another thing that drove my mother to distraction was tears.  How can a person expect an upset child to stop crying if they are being spanked? Yet, there were times I was in trouble -- with that sickening feeling in my stomach -- trying to stop crying -- only to be hit again -- such a vicious cycle. 

Here is a kicker folks,  persons with bipolar are highly creative, outgoing, charming, and bright.  People pleasers in a crowd --- look around --- we are every where.  In a crowd of folks usually the loudest or obnoxious folks are in the middle of rapid cycling and God forbid they are drinking.  Those folks who self medicate to excess have a tendancy to become abusive or do self harming behavior they pay for later in life (drinking / driving).

One thing is becoming apparent in our family home, we may have a son with bipolar disorder.  Seems there is a genetic connection and I may have passed this on to him.  I am not feeling unhappy about it though I do worry.  I do know I am better equiped to deal with the highs and lows than a 'normal' parent and he is my child.  I waited forever to have children mostly out of fear of harming them.

At age 16, I made a conscience decision not to harm my own future children.  I was laying on the floor whilst my mother sat atop me choking and hitting my head against the floor.  I made the decision then to get out of her house and make my own way.  It was the best decision I ever made.

Though, my story with my mother in her house ended basically there on that floor.  I was not diagnosed with bipolar until I was in my late twenties.  How I survived in such a strict environment on active duty for 20 years is shocking to me as I look back but, I did it. 

Another thing, I am blessed to have our children and will teach him ways of coping even doctors are not aware of; 'remember that creativity?'  I am so very fortunate to have been given the opportunity to raise such lovely boys though I am flawed.  Just now, we will have another platform from which to form a tighter bond. I am forever in debt and blessed our boys come to me when they are in pain or trouble.  This is all possible because of my husband and Our Creator.

Peace and Joy be with all who pass here

Rapid Cycling

Let me tell you; this is not about bicycling or the gym. I am a manic depressive who ‘rapid cycles.’ I feel sorry for my family because at times I cannot phantom being around me. Who wants to live with a mother who one day is baking cookies and the next is a zombie on the couch lost in thought? What I do know is; time is drawing near where I will have to seek pharmaceuticals again because sometimes I just can’t shake the anxiety or isolationism of my disorder.


Funny………. I worked hard on myself to be what I was expected to be as a child. Yet, my rapid racing mind along with my machine gun tongue just cut my mother to the core; then in she would strike out to get my submission. Who could blame me, her, or the situation; she hated being a parent.

She tore us from our family; went to California to get away from the stigma of being divorced. Men came and went; little miss perfect developed her own coping mechanisms and eventually caught their eye which was terrifying when a young person just wants to disappear. (More later)


I just wanted to be normal but, who can define that? Today, I can’t tell you what that illusion is. I do know, I have a rigid moral code. What I find is right; feels like a steel knife I walk on – my steps cannot waiver because I will slip upon its edge and die.

Not once, have I gotten an apology since, in her mind she was doing what she needed to do to raise us into proper adults. Who is a proper adult here? Neither my sister nor I; hang with her. As a matter of fact, I have only been in her home less than five times in 25 years. My children don’t know her name but, have met her.

I don’t want my truth mixed up with their childhood. I have learned how to compartmentalize so well; she taught me – sometimes I am numb to pain until I appear cruel. Yes, I am still angry I don’t know why but, I am. Most of the time I feel stupid as I don’t understand her nature; while she holds some blame – not all because I lived passed her. Is this nature or nuture?

Now you are probably wondering why I am writing this post. Will I delete it tomorrow due to its sensitive nature? I don’t think so, because once upon a time; I wrote poetry now, I write to purge myself of the guilt of being me.

Am I still just a wounded child.............